redrose66 / June 17, 2015 / Family
Sometimes I wish that people were able to read my thoughts. It would take a lot of stress off of my trying to hold them in or worry if I would be hurting their feelings because I would be like an open book where some would read me and enjoy my thoughts while others would steer clear knowing that they themselves are mean, resentful, hurtful, or just plain evil and that they have pushed my patience too far and released an untamed beast.
It would also be nice if people could take things into consideration and not try and feel like they need to be in control of everyone or everything in every situation if you can relate.
How would you feel if your parent who is struggling to survive, were informed that they have lung cancer, and were only going to have a short time to live? Stressing out over that, after leaving the hospital, considering that you were there every day, all day when you could, your parent decided he wanted to stay with one of your sibling’s that is ornery? Not to mention a person that is a control freak that relishes on being rude and obnoxious plus is so arrogant believes she knows what’s best, accepting no advice from you or anyone that may have knowledge on specific topics because she considers everyone an idiot, especially you.
Now picture that same sister having decided to hire a cousin to tend to the parent’s needs even though you yourself have offered your own nursing skill abilities due to the fact that you went to school and received A’s and a diploma, and your offering your skills for free just to be able to spend time with and tend to your parent’s medical needs.
Okay now that you have that much information, now say you decided you wanted to visit that parent but were told that you had to make an appointment to see them. Only when you try and set up the appointment to see them, it’s not a convenient time or day and you need to reschedule. Now granted, there are a total of 6 children plus a half-brother and 5 step-children . But the step-children and half-brother all live out of state thus rarely are able to visit. Now all the siblings here locally are the one the parent is staying with and 5 others; however only 2 of those actually take the time or extra efforts to want to visit the parent. So when it all boils down to it, it’s just I and my one brother and our children that really have the initiative and desire to see our parent. With that in mind here goes the saga.
Finally after your appointment date and time was set up that was sent from a text message, (you can’t call because she’s too busy), to make sure and call her husband prior to driving to the appointment to see your parent because something may have come up, only your phone is messed up and you didn’t get the message till just before heading over to the scheduled appointment.
This is what happened:
It was Christmas Day and my brother asked our sister if he could go and visit our parent and since I was there at my brother’s house with my family he asked her if I could go with them. My sister said that only my brother and his wife could go because then too many people would be over there at one time and no children were allowed at all because they carry germs. So my sister-in-law said she’d rather I go instead and I should go in her place since she was tired and didn’t feel well anyways.
So my brother mentioned the change in plan suggestion to my sister and she said he cannot ask for me, I would have to call her myself and ask and my kids couldn’t go (even though they’re adults). He told her I was right there beside him and he could hand me the phone and she said she didn’t want to talk to me don’t put me on the phone that I would need to call her myself.
Well my phone was dead so I had to borrow someone’s phone and I called her putting it on speaker phone so other’s could hear, and she was rude telling me that I needed to make sure that the visit was short because our parent was ill and tired and nobody else can come and next time to call for myself and not get someone else to call for me! I just said okay and thank you at that point as not to make waves. So my brother and I went over there to visit out parent but it was short and sweet.
The next day I received a text stating that if anyone wanted to visit our parent each person would have to ask for themselves and that nobody could ask for them unless it’s their spouse.
So New Year’s day arrived and I asked permission from my sister to see my parent and was told I would be allowed. So I went with my brother and sister-in-law even though I had permission I only stayed 20-25 minutes because my parent said they were tired after looking at my brother-in-law and he did some kind of hand motion to him which I only caught glimpse of , I assume indicating time for me to leave by looking at his imaginary wrist watch.
I received a text message saying that if I wanted to see my parent I would need to schedule an appointment to be able to visit them, because she didn’t want to many people at her house at the same time because our parent needed to rest.
So I called her to try and set up something with her and she said she didn’t have time to talk with me right now I would need to call her after 6:00 that night. So I called her and she didn’t answer and didn’t call me back. I texted her the next day she said she would have to see. So I waited she didn’t text back. The next day I asked her again if I could set something up and she asked when so I gave her a time and date as a possible and told her it’s negotiable. She said that wasn’t good and she’d let me know. She never did.
Note: Her husband took a long time off 2-4 weeks off and on plus he only works till 3:00 usually leaving earlier do to the fact he’s a boss and works from home.
So once more I attempted to make an appointment to see my parent and it was like 3-4 weeks later. But I was informed that the appointment had to be approved by her husband first then by her. So, I texted my brother-in-law’s cell and he told me to ask my sister. I texted my sister again asking for a visit appointment to see my parent and she asked what her husband said. I told her, “he said to set it up with your sister”. Finally after they decided the time I would be able to see my parent, then my phone tweaked out and died.
When I arrived to my scheduled appointment a nurse was there and another family member was also still there (my brother and his wife of course) and so I stayed for approximately 15-20 minutes when my parent informs me they’re tired, all the while my brother-in-law was staring at me with pissed off expressions making me feel very uncomfortable and unwelcome. So I decided it was time to leave, not like I really had a choice.
A short while later I received a text message from my sister scolding me for not calling ahead of time even though I had explained that my phone is always dying and won’t keep a charge and messages hesitate coming through, but she didn’t care yet continued to carry on trying to make me feel bad for not calling ahead of my arriving like I had done something so horribly wrong that rendered a chewing out like I was a disobedient child that stayed out till early dawn drunk and disorderly.
That evening I received another text message, or new rule stating that nobody will be allowed to schedule an appointment on the same day as another family member. Yet her husband’s family including her brother-in-law which happens to be my ex-husband, can have his entire family come and visit anytime without notice and without a complaint , no repercussions what so ever. Plus their neighbors and friends are also allowed to visit anytime unannounced. But her own siblings who have never done her any personal, physical, or other harm are being punished or treated like common criminals? What’s that about
A couple days later she sent me yet another text message saying that everyone would need to ask ahead of time at least a day or two in advance if they wanted to visit our parent but no children and if you’re sick don’t come.
Why should anyone have to schedule an appointment with a sibling to see a parent anyways? And by the way, FYI, when you go to see a doctor, you make an appointment and they call you a day in advance to verify not the other way around.
One day I and my boys met up with my half-brother and his wife who happened to have come to town to visit our parent due to their illness, along with my brother, his wife, and his family all met up for breakfast and had a wonderful time. He was staying at my sister’s house along with my parent. Now we all know that my parent is ill and needs rest but as little as we would be visiting, there should not be an issue. Plus being that they are very ill the possibility of them dying at any time is probable and we’re losing bonding time due to this unnecessary nonsense. It’s ridiculous to have to jump through hoops to visit a dying parent, honestly!
Now during the breakfast my half-brother had invited everyone at the table for his birthday party at my sister’s house that following Friday evening. So my eldest son said he might go and my youngest said he would probably have to work and more than likely not be able to attend.
Shortly after breakfast I received a text message inviting the cousins, siblings, and their spouses to my sister’s house for our half brothers birthday party. She also was going to be celebrating her own birthday at that time. So as to not step on any toes and since my husband wasn’t going to the party due to all this nonsense, I decided to text / ask my sister if it was okay that my eldest son went in lieu of my husband. She said that should be okay.
But to cover all bases I felt I had best go the extra mile and have my eldest son text my sister himself and ask for permission personally to see if he could go to the party in place of my husband. She also told him that would be fine. And thanked him for asking.
Now it was time for the party and my brother n sister-in-law and I all went to the store to pick up gifts for the party. I was in my own vehicle this time because I always anticipate something disastrous when dealing with my sister because of her hatred and attitude towards me and wanted to be certain that I had my own wheels to leave accordingly if indeed it became imperative.
We arrived late but only our cousin the one that gets paid to tend to our parent, our half-brother and his wife were there with my sister, her husband, and our parent. My son had arrived just minutes before us.
I was there but maybe 15 minutes or so when there was a knock at the door. Then the doorbell rang. My sister went to answer the door. She stood there awhile with the door barely cracked open. Apparently it was my youngest son 20 yrs old, and she was hesitant on letting him inside. After finally allowing him to enter she started scolding him that he wasn’t supposed to be there because not even her own son was allowed to come. So I commented with a question to my son, “I thought you were working tonight?” He said he had switched with someone so he could see is grandparent and his uncle for his birthday since he was invited.
Note: My sister’s son has the authority or permission to drop by anytime without notice. This was the first time he didn’t or supposedly wasn’t allowed to stop by. He has the opportunity to see his grandparent anytime he so chooses unlike my children unless my children are with their father (her brother-in-law).
At that she turned and looked at me with an infuriating expression on her face saying he wasn’t suppose to be here. I told her I wasn’t aware he was coming because I was under the impression he was working. She was furious but said all of this quietly in a low tone but with anger in her tone where only my boys and I could hear. I apologized to her even though I wasn’t to blame because it was all just nonsense that my son couldn’t be there even though he was personally invited, and he wanted to visit his grandparent and his uncle on his birthday.
Then she went into her room and slammed her door. That’s when my eldest son got up and left due to the ridiculous things that were said and done. I decided to give my half-brother his gift and his wife her souvenir and be on my way. Just then she came back out with her red puffy cheeks looking like she had been crying.
Someone asked my son if he wanted something to drink, and she immediately snaps and says, “you’re not 21 so don’t even think about drinking any alcohol in my house little boy! I don’t care what your parents let you do but in my house you will follow my rules!” At that I said, “It’s time to go! Let’s go, son! We’re out of here.” Then I said my goodbye’s to my brother, sister-in-law, half-brother, his wife, to which nobody knew what all the hostility was about. I stopped by my parent’s bed to say goodbye and to explain why I was leaving. They were upset and confused but also tired. And my youngest son and I left. I wound up having an asthmatic attack because of the whole ordeal and my youngest son calmed me down. I was so upset and swore that was the last straw. When the time comes up I will confront her and make my peace.
I just can’t understand why someone would be so irate about someone coming to a party that had a personal invitation and to be treated like a villain with such disrespect from their own aunt. It was totally unnecessarily ridiculous and unacceptable to me and that was the last straw for me.
To this day, I cannot get myself to make “appointments” to see my parent with those people around giving me a difficult time and I will not kiss butt, stand around, and accept abuse from them or allow them to disrespect me or my children. It is not acceptable to me by far. I never treat people mean or am hurtful towards them. I only aim to be helpful when I am able.
I maintain communication with them through texting, Facebook, Gmail, g+ posting. And family has said that if I contact him too mush he gets annoyed. So I try and contact once him every 3 weeks as to not invade in his space.
I also feel if my parent really wanted to see me directly or I see them in person, they would have said something to my sister in correspondence to it somewhere along the way and made some type of agreement or arrangement to make it happen.
The only explanation other than that would be my parent truly doesn’t care enough whether I visit or not since they don’t contact me anyways. I always initiate contact with them. On a lighter note, maybe they don’t want to cause any hate and discontent because they’re comfortable with the lifestyle of living on the island around water and boats in a nice home and may feel that it’s best to be quiet because it’s more peaceful. On the flip side possibly my parent is being manipulated to think that the only ones looking out for their best interest is my sister and the rest of us are a nuisance. Whatever the reason it’s his and I feel that it is their decision to make regardless and I should respect it. So I am basically without my parent.
This I ask, how dare a sibling hold family a member that’s loved and cared about by the whole family, in a ransom like state using them as leverage to try and gain some type of control over the rest of the family. What exactly could they possibly gain here besides the parents assets which they already were given as tokens of their appreciation?
I guess the lesson here would be, learn when to cut your loses? Don’t let yourself get put back in the line of fire because fire burns and so do some of the people you thought you knew.
One day karma will kick in and justice will prevail. What comes around goes around.
Sadly we will all suffer a loss of a loved one but one day the hope to reunite is there.
It’s the loss of our lack of bonding time that we will miss because if given the opportunity and in this case if I had a real loving caring sibling that wasn’t self absorbed that could see the light we would be able to put our parent to rest when the time comes without regrets but with peace.
When a family member is in a place where other family is restricted from seeing or visiting with them either due to someone holding them with restrictions, threats, or manipulation that is what I call family ransom.
Copyright © 2015 by Josephine Rojas. All rights reserved.
onceuponatimeinmysecretworld 